On Being (not) Alone

The past few days, there have been several times I thought to myself: I am such a pitiful young guy, who goes to work, then sleeps, and eventually wakes up alone in his pad, thinking of where to go, and drive to a distant coffee shop or restaurant, and make the most out of his afternoon either facebooking, or eating while wondering - "When will this loner mode end?"


Just exactly now, I am in the middle of people talking and laughing around while I am right here in a silent corner, sipping coffee. I am with my bestfriend, I call him "Super Junior", the powerful Vaio... a consolation to my lonely afternoon.

It's kind of hard to be alone. I've been texting friends to come along with me but they're either sleeping or broke, tired or busy. But that's no big deal. Because I know, I am NEVER ALONE.

Afternoons alone @Bo's coffee. 05.20.2011

While I'm alone, I think of distant memories. I think of people. I think of friends and family. I think of future, possibilities and plans. I think of someone who's very dear to me. I think of my blunders and how I learned from my the mistakes I have committed.

And then, I realized... after all, there's a streak of light in being alone. You become who you should become. You evaluate yourself and your life... later, you will end up with realizations that have never dawned on you since you became mature (if you have matured).

I feel consoled with all these things despite my being a loner these days. But what consoles me even more is the fact that I am never alone. I know there's someone who is with me in thoughts... that despite distance, we are one and together in mind (and heart). =)

Photographs and Memories

First of all, I would like to apologize sincerely to the melancholics reading this now. Tears run down your cheeks seeing the title of this post, reminding you of your incessant love to Jim Croce.

Let me start. Last Sunday, me and my sister Christine, had the chance to check our old photos stored "inside" the vintage TV we had at home. Yes, inside.. We got all the "intestines" of the TV, and used it as a shelf of photos, albums, and books.

It was an idea that just popped out my mind that moment, thinking maybe, photos could remind me how I metamorphosed from being innocent to violent. Here's what I have found:

The oldest photo I ever have is this. I was a year old.

My Mother, Rosalinda, had alot of stories to tell about this photo. When I was this small, I knew my mother almost regret why I was born. That is because she lived a zombie life. I had the most unceasing cry in the entire town, both my parents don't know what to do. They wished sleeping pills exists dominantly back then. Throwing me out of the house must have crossed their minds... That, I bet. Hahaha.


Obviously, The girl at my back is Christine Aba. The date to which this photo was taken remains unknown. Looking at the photo above, I can see only a few things have changed. hahaha.


I'd like to comment about something I figured out to this photo to the other before it. There's a similarity between them: My sister is always at my back. Up to now, she really is, always.

Finally... to end this photo blog, here's the most hideous-looking photo I EVER had - I have seen a MOSTEEER. The photo was taken during kindergarten years, where joining Sinulog de Tanjay (now Saulog de Tanjay) is never an option - it's mandatory. To move up to first grader, you have to look like this:

Thanks Holiness, passing college isn't as hard as doing this. If it was, I wish I died.

'Till next time, people. Thanks for dropping by CupAvenue.

Lifeless.

I would straightforwardly say that I have lost all my energy and motivation to write a blog... just as I lost a very important person in my life.

I am expected to post the most lonely post the next few days, and I don't know if there is ever someone who would care reading this blog. I feel like I am going to truly abandon this writing hub, the CupAvenue, that has always become my avenue to expose my feelings (other than self-talk).

My life seems to stand hopeless. If you go to archives, and see the posts dated August or November, you would see a man of thrill, love, and excitement.


I lost all of them recently.

I have lost all hope in my search for true love. I thought my life has been secured to a person I have loved like no other. I grieved, and that's basically why I was not able to post a blog for awhile. Now that I am a little relieved, I am assured I could somehow post a content to this disregarded blog.

Just like my previous post, I still keep asking, "Where will I start?". I never know how, when, and where. It's all vague here. I am alone.

Yes, the answer lies in there - I should start from myself. It is where I know I can be happy, and i know i can be more than contented.

Who is the one for me? I never know. Whoever you are, please come soon... or please, be back soon.

A Macroblog of the "Haven't Written"

I realized (just now) how situations balloon in just a month or two. They happen as they happen and sometimes, you miss writing them to at least save a memory. You sometimes think - I should have blogged this out! Why haven't I?

Thus, a Macroblog. =)

There are too many things that left their remembrance along the road, in the tip of your coffee table and you have somehow let them pass. I myself have let them vanish as the new page flip the next day. I sometimes wish everyday has its automatic record-tracker: it happens, it writes itself down. So here in the Avenue, I'd write down three blogs in a nutshell: The birthday in Sickbed, The Tragedy of the Year, and The Call Center Life.

FIRST CUP: My 21st Birthday (The Birthday in Sick Bed) - Ooops! I seemed to have missed a big portion in this Avenue. I should have said even just a small phrase that contain my hopes and dreams for my 21st year ahead. But wait, should I have second thoughts?

Many people often think their birthday is not worth telling. They simply believe spilling out your birthday, worst, birthyear, is like jumping in a pond of mud - you let yourself become a laughing object of the day!

But as for me, there's nothing as nice as someone telling you their hopes for your birthday - even when you've grown really old. Nothing to hide. I'm 21. All I have been wanting though, was to reach this age, and become a fully grown professional - and that is peeling itself to reality!

On my 21st year, I have told myself: You-are-so-freakin'-good! Be bad sometimes. =)

SECOND CUP: The Tragedy of the Year - Though this phrase may sound like an award for emmy's, this is nothing entertaining or feel-good to the ears. It was the worst day I have, I was emotionally disturbed, and almost fell my bed when I was seeing the tragedy fall from my very eyes on television.

There have been too many writings on the net (and too many videos, in fact) about the hostage crisis in manila, but there are only two strong points I can say: First, these things happen. And this one that has just happened makes the Philippines a no-exemption. Just like other countries in the world, we unfortunately have an evil everywhere, manipulating people in the most tragic way they can.

Next, these are things we should only learn from. But that case will not spring up as learning if there is nobody owning the responsibility of the aftermath. Someone should raise a hand and acknowledge a sin, and not constantly pinpoint people to avoid criticism.

Amid all these, I fervently pray that the Lord guide us through in preventing all these from happening.

THIRD CUP: So This is What They Call "Call Center Life" - I have long been planning of a major major macroblog for this, but time just won't allow me to draft. For the sake of this, I can finally say that I have fully embraced call center life - the life I have never dreamed of in college days.

I had too many negative impressions of a call center when I was 19 years old. I came to the point of thinking that applying for a call center means narrowing my life span to only 10 years. The world has created mental meatballs of the words "call center" as a job of stress, emotional pain, technicalities, sleepless nights, insomnia, worst, AIDS!


But call center is not as bad as I thought. I may have only experienced a month of taking calls, I could conclude that the agent - himself - will create his own description of a call center.

But nothing is as fun as this job - and that tells everybody that I am enjoying every step of the way. I may not stay in a call center as trainer/supervisor for 5 to 10 years, but this one is the job I would constantly owe my life with. I have truly learned!

"Tingog": A KNN-U! TV Prduction

As promised here in the avenue, here's our collaborative output entitled "Tingog," a documentary mixed with a "man-on-the-street" style Public service announcement video. With me walking in the streets of Cebu City for the production of this output were Beverly Zena Jane Linao, my KNN comrade, and Silliman Univesity's Kapisanan ng Mass Communicators delegates Kathryne Mercado and Hana Pa-a.



"TINGOG" (Voice)
A Kabataan News Network-U! TV Production
Voice-over/Production: Kathryne Mercado
Cameraperson/Production: Joel Aba
Production Assistants/Production: Hana Pa-a, Beverlt Zena Jane Linao
Editor: Karen Seno

This video is centered on the Right of the Child to participation, the contributions of United Nations Children's Rights Convention (UNCRC) in its 20 years of existence since 1989, and whether the UNCRC's contributions, along with government's intervention, has pushed the implementation of UNCRC to higher heights at present.

We are very proud and honored to have been trained and assisted for this video, our adviser for VIDEO group and (ehem) Lifestyle Network Philippines' Executive producer Karen Seno. Bigatin! =) Thanks!

And nakakapagod na editing time and brainstorming time with Lifestyle Network Philippines' Executive Producer Ms. Karen Seno!

Caught on Camera: Away-from-School Mode

I'm back in the net with the realization that i should have updated my blog after hurdling the busy months of October and November. Phew! busy is indeed an understatement... and i know it would never be proper to blab much about the crawling enrollment process, and the mind-paralyzing complications at school.

So before I finally open another seemingly draining semester, I took one of my life's biggest treat: Going to Cebu the fourth time this year for a Regional Youth Media Summit with, fortunately, my best buddy coincidentally picked for Silliman Media delegation. A Macroblog will be posted here about that very unforgettable travel soon.

Meanwhile, before I finally meet the last set of tormenting subjects in college this semester, in this photoblog, i'll take a total shift from a school life mode. I'll let you see some of the most relaxing moments caught on camera. And while I'm keying words for my next post had i realized that there were several unforgettable moments caught on camera that have lingered on the past weeks. .. and fortunately, most of them were just about eating, eating... drinking, and hopping. Here's some of the great things i did the past weeks that were caught on camera.

We had some cold coffee dipping at Gabby's Bistro, one of Dumaguete's best resto.

Took some honey bread-tasting at Noriter Cafe. . .

Joined the gigster rockers at Hayahay during the "NU SKUL NIGHT". (This flick taken before the wild night started)

Took a stroll at Angel Alcala Marine Laboratory formerly Silliman Marine Laboratory...

Went to the City of Cebu as one of Dumaguete's 10 delegates for the Regional Youth Media Summit at Mango Peak Hotel (A complete macroblog will posted here in CupAvenue soon.)

Prior to my Cebu Regional Media Summit, i took another exhausting stroll at Ayala Center Cebu - The Terraces. . .

Had another refreshing coffee dipping at Starbucks, SM North Wing.

And just to take the opportunity of the eerie ambiance surrounding the mall that time, i took a pose with this human manikin, if you call her such, that halloween. Awoooo!!

And yes, FINALLY, oh Lord, when i came home to Dumaguete, a big yet small gift came... my stress reliever after the long, long hopping... my newest pet, Hobby - the rabbit with a PIG appetite. =)

At Philippines' Grandest Mall

I was thinking all along that Mall of Asia was the best mall I've seen so far... But i realized that size doesn't matter now. What matters is how perfect it is... And yes, "The Terraces" of Ayala Center is Cebu's newest landmark that hit my jaw and dropped it! Really 5-star i should rate, with the best people, and the best ambiance.. Truly amazing!

What a great weekend that was.
(more photos at www.facebook.com/joelaba)

It pains your ass.

The most hard-hitting criticism i have ever heard from somebody was when I was told I was insecure. Another said my hosting in a municipal festival was "not good enough." Another was when I was told I am irresponsible, tactless, and boastful from a group of people I have called my family.

Upon hearing this, I had a hard time figuring out how true those were; wondered, kept asking if i really did wrong, or whether those criticisms were simply made to malign me and demotivate. These irritants of life, i should call, flinch me. I admit some of the criticism were right. but few of them were actually far-flung, and are meant to simply make noise.

In my 6 years of trying to prove something to myself, Thank God, I have learned enough how to play with criticisms. Everytime criticisms hit me as if it were a gun, i pull the bullet strongly out on the part of me I was hit, and in stride I analyze first if these were destructive or constructive before I begin react. I always think of the puzzle this way: there could only be two sides of the coin - one could either be because they are insecure, and the other one could mean its true.


I have always been passive to criticisms. I opened my life publicly to be appreciated, and well, criticized too! I lived being criticized and i find it challenging and life-changing. I never repel, only when there's a need to. And I have practiced constructive criticisms most especially to the people I care the most. "Real friends are those who can be roughly and harshly honest," they say, which I believe is also tantamount to love's.

There is actually no bad thing about criticisms, if only the people did not create the negative connotation masked on it. But there are some who think of it as if those were intended to irritate or demotivate them badly.

There is no "right authority" in criticism. Like our opinions, everyone of us are entitled to criticize constructively other people according to how we see things... and its up to them to either succumb and improve, or ignore and stagnate.

As far as I know, the improved people are those who passively succumb to critics and improve themselves from it. There are even successful people who live in criticisms to make themselves grow... and unless people take criticisms, people will stay on the level they are now. No growth. No improvement.

We just have to embrace criticisms as it were part of us. And to whom it may concern, may you find these words enlightening.

A Warning we should take heed

The happening in the afternoon of Saturday, September 26 broke out like a raging typhoon to the world. And it really was. Typhoon Ondoy hit Metro Manila and neighboring provinces like a sudden spill of a cup - unchangeable, inalienable. The typhoon shook, and took away a hundred (and counting) lives. The metropolis suddenly transformed into an eerie of doom and gloominess while debris march along the flow of the current in the flooded areas of the place; with people waiting with their feet firm on rooftops of flooded houses, hoping for a quick rescue.

I heard of the fateful happening while spending my weekend in Cebu City, the first time after a long time. This also came to me like a shock like how it came to everybody because I have never seen a shot of progressive Metro Manila in its flooded, extremely drenched scene. I have never seen Manila in its calamity state, drenched not only in waters but also in melancholy, silenced cries, and the indescribable luminance of malady at its peak.

And to add to my increasing shock, I remembered my brother Jerry in Rizal, who we later discovered to have walked 8 hours with half of his body under water, to rescue immediately his belongings in his house 20 kilometers away.

Perhaps, as these scenes flash on our eyes on television, realities cross our minds. There's nothing we can do but prevent such to happen again. In this light, we remember that the humankind has done a mistake.

Realizations come that God crafted all these things to happen: to shake our minds and hearts through stirring it, and in the end, making us realize that we can do our part for the environment.

There's something we should do so we will no longer hear these alarming news next time. And the answer is on our hands.

This could mean "Finally Happy"

Every post in this blog site is a cup. And before I start off my rants in this cup, I would like to tell the whole World Wide Web that I noticed an injustice in this page of the web: I noticed that the entries I posted here in CupAvenue have no dates - and I resent and protest against blogger templates for that. Anyhow, I would like to tell you guys that the dates between the previous post (entitled "One Down") and this recent post you are reading now is virtually close. The previous post "One Down" is supposedly dated August 25, while this one is dated September 2 - that's about a week after.

By the end of this entry you will notice an obvious difference seen between two posts. Both are in the opposite extremes. The post below is obviously a post of my typical rant - Sadness, Sadness, Sadness - since blogging has, for all these years, my avenue to express anguish, yet has also become my refuge.

And that's what I did last week. I blogged my sadness out. And just so you know, I drifted in utmost pain. I found no peace. I see hatred more than love, and I felt more than just depressed. It was a depression that almost shook my life, and in our last weeks together i knew that i was treading on a road of uncertainty and distrust. I was treading on a road of failed expectations and endless exasperation and bitterness. And all these happened just weeks ago.

This post, in the other side of the spectrum, is an expression of, not just freedom, but happiness and full delight. Now i felt like taking that 360-degree turn. And this blog will serve a creamer and sugar to the bitter ingredients inside the cup of my present life.

Yes, I am happy. And you shouldn't be shocked if I tell you that someone makes me so happy. Yes, I know you guys will think that I am taking relationships as that of dress rehearsals, or one-night love affairs, or short-term gamitan. But may you not think that way... Ayaw pod! I should tell the whole world that I am in love with someone I have long been looking for, someone so different.

I don't expect much from this person, but as of this time, I can clearly see not just the sincerity that we have for each other, but the many commonalities we figured out of our selves as we conversed. Right now, we both know that we have found the missing piece of our lives. We both know that our attitudes and values, personality and character, even interests and skills are in one container - and this happened to me for the first time. We are partners, and i love thinking of the fact that we are not just partners in the edge of its name, but partners in its real essence. And this fact breeds a feeling of assurance to me. Though I acknowledge the fact that I never know what lies ahead.

I never know what happens next, more so about what might be the next bitter posts after this. It could be "One Down, Part two" and I'm afraid I might be posting the same title to it's Part 20 after a year. I might blog again and say that i have proven again that I am such a failure. But i never care. As long as i continually, by faith and love, take this challenge with the one I love. And now, I feel the sense of security for the first time.

I never felt this thankful and it feels like a miracle is happening to me. It's a miracle. But now I'm thinking, could a miracle happen to my blogger template posts' date dysfunction? Grrrr. That could be my next bitter post. =)

One Down!

There are many things I would have to tell you. But you were hostile to me. I hope that someday, you will realize that every sermon has a purpose and not a "pambikil." No, I never would have wanted to give up. But i was almost there. But you reacted the other way. And that was it.

Thanks. May you find a man with endless patience, with a deaf heart, and an insensitive ear not to hear or feel how painful you say words to a boyfriend - a man too dumb never to leave you after being said with bad words, and an unintelligible guy who doesn't care about the messages he sees in you inbox. And by that time, you will have the partner that you needed.

--------

Kablaaaag! One Down.

My search for true love only proved one thing: I have always been a failure. And every time i think of this, and how our argues and all those hostilities went, i often dissect my innermost self again and ask what's wrong with me. And there i knew it wasn't me. I handled it well. But then, i was only wrong in choosing the wrong one.

Yes. Another one relationship down... and it was undeniably the most stressful. 2 months and 4 days. I gave up. Cee also gave up. We can't meet at a common end, and our attitudes can't both jive together. We were different, and as we settle differences, another one comes along.

For so many times, i have enforced rules for us to agree and follow to. Yet, there's always a deviant attitude getting out, and I kept on restructuring and restructuring, reassessing and reassessing until it has become redundant. Tiresome. Lonesome like a cup running out of coffee, a river running out of water.

It was hard. With the restructuring and reassessing process, i have found out that I was in deep anguish and pain for Cee to have imposed her own rules and denied what we have agreed together. Small things have become complicated. Long sermons have taken place. Then, I literally lost my voice, and had recurring fever in about 5 days. And THAT was the sign to give up.

Right now, I don't know if i celebrate or grieve. All I know is that i feel light. It's the lightness inside that I have not felt for weeks of argue, pain, and hurting.

After the long struggle, i brought my "self" back, and befriended him again. "You're still young, and the one is yet to come," i said with a smile.