Realizations from 1 year and a half =)

You, readers, might have seen the obvious change i created on this blog. I changed it to a fresh and simpler look - so simple that you can't see anything but a few icons, bars, and words placed properly intact. At this time, I'm going to find ways to personalize this a little (probably a huge photo in the background would help) for marketability to blogworld. =)

At this point of the year, I know I am more than ready to make a blog to close the archives - expose a rundown of realizations that dawned on me in the "a-year-and-a-half relationship" I closed 2 months ago.

I care not if people tell me, "You're not over it," for making this post. At least I know that right inside my heart - even to the outskirts of it - I know I am done with it... even faster than what i thought.


Here are the tidbits I'd like to share for you today:

POINT 1: NOT all seemingly fairytale start finishes in a fantasy-like close-curtains. Movies aren't similar to relationships. In movies, writers control the ending of a story. Unlike Disney's where every struggle, however cosmic it had all turned out, all ends up in a "happily ever after". However, relationships do not at all end with a similar fate. Holes are around - you can't see it and you can fall anytime to a bunch of shit.

POINT 2: Both ends can tie if they make it possible. Conciliation can be done by two through compromise. However, if one party fails to submit to conciliation, that is where worse becomes worst.

POINT 3: Never leave an issue unresolved. If it's resolved, bury it to hell. Pain can hide in the interstices of the mind, worst, the heart. It may show a facade of recovery, but there will come a time, more so if a similar issue goes back to the picture, the hidden unresolved issues meddles in its weight and even more blocks reconciliation and compromise.

POINT 4: Reassure the partner (Tap a partner's back). This, I have done so many times. Yet, I was never reassured and that was one of the reasons why things have all failed. Relationship is a set of chapters and chapters of reassurance. Like plants, it dies when it's not fed. The other one is to appreciate every little thing your partner does for you or for others. It feels deeper when appreciation comes from a partner.

Most importantly...

POINT 5: There's the positive. Sometimes, we need to hurt someone just so we can find our path - something very brillaint Ricci Larena-Pacana shared to me yesterday. We need to be hurt not just to make us strong, but so that we can find the person - the right person for us.

It won't matter how magical it was, won't matter how long you have been together - what matters is wether you are for each other. =)

That, i now sense was a good riddance. Indeed, a good riddance. Thanks Heavens!

Have I met you yet?

Today is a bright Monday, and the weekend was great.. I could say I spent it just the right way. By tomorrow, when I come to the office, I know close office workers like the preggy hot momma Carrie (Click here to see her account), or Deryl (Hit this to see her face) will surely ask me the status of my heart.

I couldn't say a word but only a grin in my face with a bashful line, "Dating". And Carrie would act so kilig over it that if I finally see a partner, she's surely the very first person to hug me and say "Finally."

Funny as it seems but I understand that these girls constantly wish me to be happy because they know I deserve it... and they are even more excited than I am. More than that, they want me to find the best for me. Unfortunately, in the track record, I haven't found someone that fits my glass... or rides a similar boat that I have. They always drift a little far and we never connect. Several times I have to frankly tell them what they have to work on... and I keep draggin them to my boat. But I realize it won't work that way.

I had enough of that. Deryl, Carrie, and Floe knows that I need someone that fits me - someone who has the same feelings as I. It should be two people working for harmony, but not one person dragging the other.

It made me think that indeed, that distant break-up, has a reason. That is embedded on my Last Song Sydrome (LSS) : "I'm not surprised, not everything lasts. I broken my heart I stopped keeping track... I tried so very hard not to lose it, made up a million excuses. 'Coz I haven't met you yet."

At this point in my blog, allow me to take a shift: I have to be honest to my beloved blog. I don't want this blog to act foolish.

Those lines tell me that lover must be somewhere around the corner. And here's a fact: before, I sing those lines to comfort me. Now, i sing those lines to suppress my feelings for somebody.

Admittedly, I can see and feel several symptoms that I'm inlove. After all my seeming desperation, I know I should have been happy. It makes me think "This is what I have been looking for".. or "This is exactly the feeling I was looking for". This could be jubilation! Yet this moment isn't going to be a jubilation. This pains me primarily because I know I should do my best to supress the feel-good. I think this is how I would end my blog. I'll keep on trying to suppress it as much as I could - the first time in my entire life.

I wished we met earlier than this. I wish I'm resistant to feel and see that we both connect very well, that we have almost exactly the same values and ideas.

Michael Buble's song is going to help me. Just like how it helped me before.

If Carrie and Deryl asks me again, I'd grab a pen, use it as my microphone as sing:

I might have to wait, i'll never give up. I guess its half timing, the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right... you'll come out of nowhere and into my life."

When I was 17, did I know this would happen?

It's March 12, 2011. Bad news is all around the web and TV but I prefer to give less care knowing that God can take care of it through my prayers. I also don't want to add the heaviness of my thoughts and emotions. That's who I am, so accept it. I prefer to be apathetic just for now.

I was scanning my blogs here in my site and my oldest, abandoned Friendster blogs (click here to see it) where my oldest post dated 2006 still survive amidst earthquakes and tsunami. I was then, 17 years old. While scanning, I realized that I have been blogging for years. It's been years that I seriously use the web, and such routine has become more of an emotional need than just lifestyle.

Today, if I have to open a new page for a new post here in my blog, I would rant about how sad I am, how unfortunate I have become, how I need love at this time, and questions may arise about how am I going to cope with the struggles. But I decided not to.

There's too much hurt inside of me, it paralyzed my daily routines. Hurt came to a point of numbness. I got tired of running for, and writing about pain. There is too much of it - I have grown weary. I don't want you, readers, to become victims of boredom and redundancy,

ENOUGH. Tears already blogged it for me. =)


Instead of staying in a sad corner of my room and do all drama in this world, I remained positive. Then just today, a light came to me. I realized that in the history of my blogging, I blogged too much about finding a partner, then breaking up, then finding another one. But amazingly, the oldest blog that I written - the oldest the web could trace - (since I have been blogging since 2004) marked no sadness, no depression. In fact, it was not all about search for love. Nothing about the damn love.

It feels amazing that the oldest blog I wrote when I 17 years old actually taught me about moving on. It's entitled, "The Road Leads Here,". I grabbed a screenshot from that blog. I told myself:


I can't believe that the 17-year old "Joel" could advice the 21-year old "Joel" of today. There, I also wrote the comforting lines:

I learned from my oldest blog post the most remarkable line no one has given me. That is moving on with the thought of thanksgiving, that everything I experienced in my 1 year and 6 months relationship - all the happiness and sadness, romances and laughters, hugs and kisses, stress and depressions, fights and reconciliations, bonding and never ending jokes, pains and healing, embarrassments we often laugh at, companionship we shared, and all the stories - are all but experiences that will build me up to becoming a better individual, and a soon better partner.

Just how I ended the oldest blog I wrote almost 5 years ago, I would end this blog with these lines:

("The Road Leads Here" Royalty Tribune, December 2006 post: click here)

Lifeless.

I would straightforwardly say that I have lost all my energy and motivation to write a blog... just as I lost a very important person in my life.

I am expected to post the most lonely post the next few days, and I don't know if there is ever someone who would care reading this blog. I feel like I am going to truly abandon this writing hub, the CupAvenue, that has always become my avenue to expose my feelings (other than self-talk).

My life seems to stand hopeless. If you go to archives, and see the posts dated August or November, you would see a man of thrill, love, and excitement.


I lost all of them recently.

I have lost all hope in my search for true love. I thought my life has been secured to a person I have loved like no other. I grieved, and that's basically why I was not able to post a blog for awhile. Now that I am a little relieved, I am assured I could somehow post a content to this disregarded blog.

Just like my previous post, I still keep asking, "Where will I start?". I never know how, when, and where. It's all vague here. I am alone.

Yes, the answer lies in there - I should start from myself. It is where I know I can be happy, and i know i can be more than contented.

Who is the one for me? I never know. Whoever you are, please come soon... or please, be back soon.